According to The Wall Street Journal, “if one of fashion designers’ key goals is to dream up items that women don’t have in their closets, they have certainly succeeded.
Their invention: leather shorts.”
Well, that completely knocked me off guard, kicked me down from my studded pedestal. I mean, who would've thought?
But fashionistas remind us that lederhosen go back to the Bavarian maidens and the Von Trapp children circa World War II--you remember those happy times.
But these shorts are nothing like those, they're fresh—without the suspenders and front flaps—and wildly imaginative, adding cuffs and many cut to the crotch.
So please don’t sell them short (forgive the pun) because they don’t come cheap. Zara’s sells them at a bargain price of $99, but most go for several hundred, and Ikram’s Boutique in Chicago will give them away for three grand.
‘Course they’re worth it ‘cause nobody’s got them hanging around the house, while experts claim the trend will last for years.
Colleen Sherin of Saks was convinced to invest heavily in leather shorts after leather leggings, priced between $500 and $1,000, had a surprisingly strong run in the store.
When women were asked what they thought about them, many were enamored. Designer Helmut Lang jumped on the idea and created them for Niemans at $695.
Seems like a small price to pay for heaven.
Still, there are caveats to be followed. One fashion expert advised “that leather shorts…look best on people with toned legs.”
Really?
So then if two-thirds of our population is overweight, are they automatically excluded?
You'd think but not quite.
Everyone knows that lots of women have no taste at all, so I have to add twenty percent back to the two-thirds.
(Remember the film Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts when she wore those thigh-high boots and looked like the whore she was playing? And remember the women who ran out and bought the boots to look like her? Did they think Prince Charming would climb their fire escapes too?)
That leaves the last third of the female population. Some will opt out because they are older, think it’s a waste of money, or don’t like their tushies sizzling through fabric that doesn’t breathe in ninety degree heat.
Which basically ends up with Miley Cyrus and Rihanna and the rest of the stars and the kids who are perfectly comfortable in the latest fashion.
But what happens when it's over? I mean what if Hitler-era shorts peaks and it's the last great idea before we go back to bloomers?
I’ve been searching my closet, trying to come up with something I don’t have and never wanted, but desperately need.
How about a fleece evening gown for those weddings in the dead of winter. Your coat might be lined but hardly warm enough to keep out the frost while waiting for your car after the party's over.
Or a feathered bathing suit. Don’t worry about the feathers drying out or laying flat. Birds get wet all day long and do fine.
Have you ever thought about a tank top made from a tank?
I’m talking about weaving scraps of metal from a ship that the navy’s decided to mothball from the World War II/Korean era. Aren’t people already wearing shorts and jackets that look like fatigues? And this tank top-tank shop could double as an historic souvenir.
So, I’m like coming up with all these ideas while I’m dressed in my leather shorts and standing here holding my whip.
“WHAT? Can't hear ya." I lower the volume on my Ipod, looking confused. “What do you mean the Von Trapps didn’t use whips? That ruins everything. Because that was my other idea.”
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