Stupid Tour Guides

Acadia National Park

In the last few years my husband and I have done a bit of traveling, taking tours to understand the countries we’re visiting and getting some insight into the area’s history.

Most guides know what they’re talking about but a few are either ignorant or big fans of fiction.

When we arrived at Acadia National Park in Maine, the tour guide seemed great but the weather was lousy.  It was so foggy that we missed the beauty of the foliage and the Atlantic and decided to repeat the tour in the afternoon. 

By then everything had changed—the height of the mountains, the facts of the sea, the trees, even the establishment of the park itself.  The afternoon guide wove a tale that didn’t pretend to match the morning’s presentation.  We looked at each other.  Someone was lying.  Should we tell him?  But we didn’t stick around to discover the truth.   The fog had remained, curtaining the park, and we ditched the fun and games.

James Monroe

  

In Fredericksburg, Virginia we visited the James Monroe Museum, one of our founding fathers and fifth president of the United States.  We asked if Monroe had a home in the state, like Jefferson and Madison.  “No, it’s a shame," the guide said, "but since Monroe spent so many years in France, he never had time to settle down."

Too bad, we thought when a couple days later we headed to Charlottesville to see Jefferson’s magnificent home, Monticello.  As we approached the city, we saw signs for Monroe’s home, Ash Lawn-Highland.

“Monroe had a house?” I asked the guide at the visitors’ center. 

He smiled condescendingly and informed me, as if I were an imbecile, that Monroe was a president too. 

I told him about the woman in the Fredericksburg museum.

“Thanks for telling me,” he said, rolling his eyes.

Yeah, dumb, I wanted to say, but that was nothing until we got to Alaska.  Our Princess cruise highly recommended a nature walk in Juneau, and we signed up with a guide I’ll call Madeline.

Alaska

Young, friendly, and from Orlando, she welcomed us warmly.     

“What’s this small yellow flower?” a woman asked.  Madeline shrugged.  She never noticed it before.

“How about those red stems over there?” a man pointed out.  She checked her book and couldn’t find them.

After an endless morning of staring at unidentifiable foliage, we finally came to a lake with a picnic table in front. “Wonder what this spot’s called?” a man asked me.

“If it’s got a name, Madeline doesn’t know it.”  We both giggled as we saw her coming through the trees and heading into the clearing.

“What’s this place called?” the guy asked her.

“If it’s got a name, I don’t know it,” she said, and I rapidly marched forward, trying to control myself, trying to keep my mouth from screaming out loud.

Most tourists don’t remember the information, so guides can get away with almost anything that springs from their heads, like oil gushing from a line of leaking wells.   So laugh along with the leaders.  They're laughing anyway—and betting you think they got it right.

 

Charles Manson: Gone for Good?

Charles Manson

Comedian David Brenner once said that the easiest job in America was being Charles Manson’ s parole officer.  “Charlie, you ready to leave?” the cop would ask, and Manson would rant about Nazis, evil empires, and killing hundreds more people.  “Fine, okay, Charlie, see you next year.”

Funny, frightening, and unfortunately true.  In his 12fth and probably final bid for parole, Charles Manson was once again denied freedom this week.  The 77 year old mass murderer, convicted of slaughtering five in 1969, didn’t bother to attend.  He hasn’t shown up for a hearing since 1997 and at present is spending fifteen months in isolation after caught in possession of a weapon. 

It wasn’t the first time he's done something like that.

As the authorities read a litany of Manson's infractions, they also stated that he never worked for his GED or took a self-improvement course. 

Even his own attorney, DeJon Lewis, could find nothing positive to say. 

Manson’s next hearing is in another 15 years.  He’d be 92, if he lives that long.

Debra Tate

“I’m done with him,” said Debra Tate, 59 year old sister of the late Sharon Tate, the pregnant actress who was killed with four others.  The trial caused a worldwide sensation, and the crime still fascinates people today.   For the last 40 years, Debra has represented all the victims’ families.  She was only seventeen when her sister was knifed to death.  Later she cried in relief that she will never have to worry again about Manson again.

Actress Sharon Tate

Yet Manson, nuts as he is, is no recluse.

“He has a large interested public,” said Theresa Cisneros, spokeswoman for the Corcoran State Prison.  She noted that he receives more mail than the average prisoner and has a steady stream of visitors.  Some are just curious and some are college students writing papers about him.   Manson approves all requests though I’m sure most get in.  What else does he have to do? I thought, angry that this maniac has any rights  at all.

 But over the years he's released albums of his music and audio recordings of his beliefs.  Who gave him the power and equipment to do so?  Why was this man offered the opportunity to communicate to the outside world?
   

 So he no longer bothers attending hearings.  “At his age, I think he doesn’t care,” said Deputy District Attorney Patrick Sequeira.  “He would be lost if he got out.  He’s completely institutionalized.”

  

Too bad California set a moratorium on death sentences in 1972.  Manson and his three women accomplices got life sentences instead.  Leslie Atkins died of a brain tumor in prison.  Leslie Van Houten and Patricia Krenwinkel remain incarcerated. 

 But the agony's over for Debra Tate.  "I didn't expect to feel this joy today," she said through her tears.  

I pray to God that no one else will ever know the suffering that the victim's families have endured.   I also pray that Manson and his gang--four others are also in prison for previous murders committed by him--endure long agonizing deaths.  It's the best anyone can hope for.

For Gen X, Last Names First

Hudson

When our daughter Barbra was pregnant, she told us it was a boy but wouldn't let us in on the name.  Why not?   Did she think we'd criticize or mumble something under our breath?   I promised to keep mute--an impossibility, of course, and one that she never bought.   So everyone remained silent until Hudson was born.

Hudson?  Sounded more like a last name than a first, I thought, and wondered what others would think.  Boy, was I uncool.  Must've been out to lunch with my hula hoop.

Hudson's not only a popular moniker, but in the first name department, my grandson's got plenty of company.   Surnames are exploding everywhere.

Last weekend my husband and I flew to Atlanta so that we could see him again and found Barbra in the midst of organizing an Easter egg hunt for her neighborhood.  Busy running around, she assigned me the task of pushing his buggy and staring down at his gorgeous face.  Well somebody had to do it.


The egg hunt was wild with kids--about forty babies and toddlers accompanied their parents, not counting dozens of older siblings.   And during that morning, I realized the trend.  

Generation X has rejected the thousands of names in the baby naming books and went searching for something creative (though I think a few are trying too hard).   I met a woman who also had a Hudson but thought it was too run-of-the-mill, so she spelled it, H-u-t-son.

 "Hutson with a t?" I asked.   I also asked if she knew that her child would be spelling his name for the rest of his life.   She loved it the idea!    Idiot, I thought, looking around for others.  I soon found Parks, Anderson, Keegan, Reid, Ryder, Tuttle, and Davis.   The new names sounded like law firms.  Who'd want to fight against Anderson, Davis, and Tuttle?   Powerful, prestigious.  Generation X means business from the beginning.

And celebrity Xers,?  Like naming their children on steroids.   Gee, maybe they are.  We all know Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter Apple.  It's silly but nothing compared to the others.

Paul Jillette

Paul Jillette, the illusionist of Penn and  Teller calls his baby Moxie Crimefighter.  Frank Zappa's two children are Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin.  Rob Morrow's daughter is Tu.  Get it?  Tu Morrow.

Rob Morrow

My eyes were rolling out of their sockets when I learned that Jason Lee, star of the defunct sitcom, "My Name is Earl," calls his son, Pilot Inspektor.                                       

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni couldn't be outdone and came up with Kyd  while Jermaine Jackson called his newborn Jermajesty.   How does Jermajesty sound on a job application?    Does one bow before reading?  

Today Andy and Emily sound as ancient as the pyramids, and I couldn't find one in the group.   Still, I bet the old ones come back with a roar.   After a lifetime of watching arched eyebrows and faces breaking with laughter, Tu Morrow and Moxie Crimefighter will discover Jack and Jill and think they've invented the wheel.

I hope they hurry before Apple has her twins and names them Wormy Plum and Freshly Picked Cantaloupe.   Why not?    It runs in the family.

For Gen X, Last Names First

When our daughter Barbra was pregnant, she told us it was a boy but wouldn’t let us in on the name.   Why not?   Did she think we'd criticize or mumble something under our breath?   I promised to keep mute—an impossibility, of course, and one that she never bought.  So everyone remained silent—until Hudson was born. 

Hudson?

Sounded more like a last name than a first, though now I love it and can't think of him as anyone else.  Still it was different, and I wondered what others would think.  Boy, was I uncool.  Must've been out to lunch with my hula hoop.   

Hudson is not only a popular moniker, but in the surname department, my grandson’s got plenty of company.  There are suddenly hundreds of Hudsons.

Last weekend my husband and I flew to Atlanta so that we could hold him again and found Barbra organizing an Easter egg hunt for her neighborhood.  Too busy running around, she assigned me the job of pushing his buggy and staring down at his gorgeous face.  Ah, but I digress.

The Easter egg hunt was wild with kids—about forty babies and toddlers accompanied their parents, not counting their older siblings running all over the place.   I sauntered around admiring the children, and boy did I learn something new.  

Generation X has simply rejected the thousands of regular names in the baby naming books and searched the sky for something creative.   I met a woman who also had a Hudson but thought it might be too run-of-the-mill so she spelled it, H-u-t-s-o-n.

“Hutson with a ‘t?’”  I asked.  I then asked her if she realized that her son would be spelling his name for the rest of his life.  She laughed and thought it was cute.  The woman's loony, I thought, searching for others.  I soon found Parks, Anderson, Keegan, Reid, Ryder, and Davis. Were they boys or girls?  Who knew? 

What happened to the Nancys, Jennifers, Carleys, and Sues?  They don't fit anymore 'cause the new names sound like the cover head of law firms.  Take Anderson, Davis, Ryder, and Tuttle.  Powerful, prestigious.  Generation X means business from the beginning.

And celebrities?   They've taken the baby-naming business and hiked it on steroids.  So Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter Apple.  It’s silly and meaningless, but it almost sounds normal compared to the others.

Paul Jillette, the illusionist of Penn and Teller, calls his baby Moxie Crimefighter.  Frank Zappa’s two children are Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin.  Rob Morrow’s daughter is Tu.  Get it, Tu Morrow?  Jeez.   My eyes were rolling out of their sockets when I learned that Jason Lee, star of the defunct sitcom, “My Name is Earl,” calls his child, Pilot Inspektor.   David Duchovny and Tea Leoni couldn't be outdone and came up with Kyd, while Jermaine Jackson named his newborn Jermajesty.  How does “Jermajesty” sound on a job application?  Does one bow before reading?   

The names Andy and Emily seem as old as the pyramids. I tried but couldn't find one in the group. Still, I bet they’ll return with a roar.  After a lifetime of watching arched eyebrows and faces breaking with laughter, Tu Morrow and Moxie Crimefighter will discover Jack and Jill and think they’ve invented the wheel. 

I hope they hurry before Apple calls her twins Purple Plum and Little Queen Cantaloupe.