Trying to Keep Up, Honey Boo Boo and Lance

Honey Boo Boo

Sorry for the delay in my blog, but I’m taking a writing class and it’s a bitch to get the assignments finished in time.   But, yes, I’ve tried keeping up with the news, and I won't be so tardy again.

 Hey, aren’t the elections coming around soon?  And I hear that there’s this child sensation called Honey Boo Boo.  She’s a chubby little girl from a white trash reality show, and Rosie O’Donnell’s so taken with her, she paying for Boo Boo’s house renovations.  Cool, I thought, calling Rosie and asking if she could do my house too.  I’ll let you know when I hear from her.

Lance Armstrong

                                                 

And then there’s Lance Armstrong.  Nike and everyone else dumped him the other day because the newest doping evidence “is insurmountable.”

Really?  You mean it’s taken them all this time to figure it out? 

According to a number of former teammates, the seven-time Tour de France winner bragged about how he suppressed a positive test in 2001.  The head of the lab admitted that the results were questionable but said that the science at the time could not further evaluate the results.   
So why did the International Cyclist Union (ICU) refused to allow the US Anti-doping agency to re-examine the findings?

You see Armstrong is a generous guy.  In 2005 alone, he donated $125,00 to the ICU.  They were thrilled with the gift, and those personally involved said that the union worked closely with the cyclist for the succeeding years to come. 

The ICU went on to say that they weren’t the only ones who knew about the positive results.  

 So they admitted it and covered it up anyway?  How did they get away with it?

But you know, I still can’t help but admire him.  And I bet others do too.  It was more than chutzpah that pushed him up those mountains for three grueling weeks a year.   It was a steely, all-encompassing obsession that he’d fight to the end.  And he did.

  

Yes, he’s a cheat, but he raised $300 million for his cancer foundation.  And that wasn’t a fraud, only based on one. 

Still, I wonder.  Would I buy a used car from this guy?  I’ll think about it and get back to you.

Silent Disco: Dancing to a Whole New Beat

Party at the Zoo

Did you know there’s a bunch of new exotics at the London Zoo,  donning earphones, masks and makeup, and dancing around the walkways?  They wiggle to a beat only the wearer can hear.

What’s this?   A silent disco, and the craze is spreading.

It started at European music festivals after rock bands magnified the decibels a hundred fold.  The tunes became overpowering, deafening, mutating into nothing but unadulterated noise.

That’s when someone came up with a whole new idea.  

crowd at London Zoo

What if people rocked to the band’s music, or even their own choice of tunes that poured from individual earphones?  Outside there’d be no sounds at all.  

The idea swept the U.K.—and caught on at the London Zoo.  Desperate to fund raise without disturbing the animals, zoo officials decided to try it.   And the crowds swarmed in for more.          

During June and July this summer about 6,000 people visited each week.  Paying sixteen to forty bucks a ticket, the party goers jammed through the park, joining the best of both worlds.   And it was easy to do.

  Upon entering the caged areas, each participant was handed a set of earphones with a couple of choices—classic rock like Motown or one of the newer stuff.  After making their selection, they started to stroll, many role-playing the behavior of the animals themselves.   Of course the beasts were the biggest hit of all, i.e. before their 9:30 bedtime, while the zoo became flushed with funds for its conservation efforts.

What an idea, I thought.   Why not try it on other venues?   How about weddings where the message is always redundant?  Do you Roger Dumstead take Dena Donutmaker to be your lawfully wedded wife?  If you think she'll say no, listen on.  If not, get some other words of wisdom into your head or catch the top twenty tunes.   

 
  

Ever consider funerals?  Some are sad and the rest are phony.  I mean when did anyone ever tell the truth about crooks in their coffins or unloving mothers?  The eulogy might instruct us that arsonists are friendly and organize picnics, but we never hear the part about them setting fire to the trees.   And negligent mothers produce screwed up kids, who overdose while searching for a substitute.  Did anyone ever pronounce blame to the body of an uncaring bitch?

But today we got a solution, something to alleviate the boredom and cover the lies.   How about a little Rod Stewart, Carrie Underwood, or Plain White T’s?

And let the silence keep streaming.   If nothing else, more baby boomers will pass their hearing tests.

The Action While I Was Sleeping--Oh boy...

Marriott Mystic

The Action While I was Sleeping
  (It's not what you think...)

Last weekend we had a terrific time at a scenic wedding in Connecticut.   Actually, there were seven wedding parties staying at the Marriott in Connecticut, and my husband and I were assigned to the fourth floor.

 Our room was surrounded by very drunk and rowdy guests from one of the other weddings, and by midnight, the idiots were still yelling in the hall.  I told them to quiet down, but they barely heard me.  I finally called security, who emptied the area.
 

Or some of it.

One couple across the hall barely shut their door when the man started screaming.  A half hour passed, then an hour.   Listening from bed—the doors were paper-thin—I couldn’t imagine what was going on.  I checked the peephole.  Their door was shut, but the screaming…  Christ.  My husband kept telling me to go back to bed.

Yeah, right, I thought, now wide awake. 

 I called the front desk again, and a hefty guy pounded on their door, quieting the jerk.  After the guard left, the ranting continued. This time I heard a woman screaming in the background.

“He sounds like Hitler!” I yelled into the phone.  Security raced to their door.  The shouting ended, and we caught a few hours of sleep.
 

The next morning we complained to the front desk and they promptly comped our breakfast.  We told the groom’s father, who found the manager, and she promised to keep things under control.

Security did better AND worse.    

 Apparently they were waiting for the drunks to arrive and scatter to their rooms.   But no sooner had this guy slammed his door when the ranting started—and the beating began.   Screeching, pleading, the woman was begging for her life. 
   

“Where the hell is security!” I yelled to my husband when a crowd of muscular men pounded into the hall and almost broke down the door.   Jumping from bed, I smashed my body against the peephole, dying to crack the door open.

  
“Don’t you dare,” my husband said.

Damn, I thought, keeping an eye on the peephole.

Security coaxed the maniac into the hall.  He was fortyish, slightly built, and jumpy. “I can’t believe she  f-----g doesn’t love me,” he kept repeating.
  

Take the hint, buddy, I wanted to say.

She cried in the hall, “He could’ve hurt me!”
 

Well duh.  After yesterday, why’d she return for a second round?  And why did the hotel allow them to stay another night?

The other dumb decision was to haul the guy away and then bring him back an hour later.  He was screaming again, and I know everyone was up and listening.

Yes, we got our room comped, along with our breakfast, and our first born grandchild can stay free at any Marriott  for the rest of his life.  (Just kidding).

“I saved a woman’s life last night,” I told my friends.

“Not really,” someone said.  “She’ll probably go back to him until he finishes her off for good.”   

Jesus.

With relief we checked out, praising our dull and very boring existence.

Political Morons: Who the Hell's Running for Public Office

 

Todd Akin

I gasped when  Todd Akin  classified rape as “Legitimate,” and said  that women can prevent  pregnancies  by shutting down their bodies.   Was he an idiot or a liar?  Turns out he's both.  He's also a member of the dumbest and most dangerous party America's ever produced:  THE TEA PARTY.  I can't believe they are still running strong.  Like that bastard McCarthy, who destroyed hundreds of lives before getting caught, it seems no one's got the guts or the common sense to ask what's in the briefcase.  What are these animals trying to do?
 

After Sarah Palin, with an I.Q. of a pet rock, I now  wonder how we ever got these idiots.    These aren't regular Americans, folks.  They're the fringes.  They're the far right, the evangelicals, a group so ignorant, it takes my breath away.  When reporters questioned Akin about his lies, he first said, it was  in the heat of the moment.  It  wasn’t.  He said it slowly and deliberately.  Check out the tape yourself.   Hopefully he will lose his Senate race,  but  the sick effect remains, like an insidious virus spreading its deadly bacteria.

Rudy Guiliani

Rudolf Guiliani asked, “Where have the regular Republicans gone?  You remember them, Reagan, the old man Bush, and the former John McCain?  The new John McCain's suddenly dumbed down too.  He forgot his American history.  He now says we’re a Christian nation.  Oh yeah?  John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and the constitution beg to differ.   Look up the quotes and the amendments.

What do the people drink that makes them so far out stupid?   I know one could say that stupidity stretches to both sides of the aisle, but when did they lock all the pro-choice people away, and the ones that truly understand the economy and international affairs.   Who gave the keys to the imbeciles?

Michelle Bachman

Speaking of imbeciles, Sarah Palin thankfully dropped out the 2012 election, but she bequeathed Michelle Bachman to the rest of the world, a close second in the truly slow and dull department.  Bachman said that the battle at Lexington and Concord  was  fought in New Hampshire.  She didn't know Massachusetts?   By the way, the line came from a well prepared speech—not in the heat of the moment.  But when questioned later on the Laura Ingraham show, she offered this defense.

 “We all know there’s a double standard in the media….  as we know all 3,400 members of the mainstream media are part of the Obama contingent.”

That piece of work blamed it on the media!  Not only is she an idiot, but a coward too!  Same with Todd Akin.  He said that he had been  misinformed about rape.  Really?   I wonder who told him about legitimate rape?  Who said that the woman’s body shuts down?    If he wins, it will be a sad day for America.    How can we ever survive AND flourish with genuine retards like these?

America!  The emperor's wearing no clothes.  Can't you see the truth? 

I’ve prayed for another Harry Truman, but it’s impossible to project any common sense when the inmates from the asylum keep breaking down the walls.   

Come on, America, vote the brainless off the continent.  Send them to an island and let them eat each other alive.   I don’t see any other way.

A Fish Tale Come True

Ever want to be a mermaid?

Me neither, but I must be in the minority because people all over the world are fascinated with these mythical creatures.    And why not?   Who wouldn’t pray to be guaranteed gorgeous?   (Have you ever seen a mermaid with fat thighs and a hooked nose)?   And they’re ALWAYS in love.   It’s  a romantic image for women, but men, too, are drawn.

(A note to men:   They’re only female from the waist up.    Be careful what you wish for).

Still there’s an enchanting innocence about the mermaid that has fascinated folks for thousands of years.   How’s that for staying power?

The Little Mermaid, Denmark

Hans Christian Anderson published his fairytale, “The Little Mermaid ” in 1837, and a statue in her honor was completed in 1913.  Today it still sits in a Copenhagen  harbor and remains one of the most popular  attractions in Denmark.

In 1989 Disney released, The Little Mermaid , but Splash came out  five years earlier with Tom Hanks and Darryl Hannah.   If you want to know what a hit Splash was, think of the thousands of little girls growing up with the name Madison.   And we can’t forget Weeki Wachee Springs State Park.   The old Florida attraction just celebrated its 65^th year in business, and business talks.

  

Last weekend Orlando celebrated the mermaid with a Mer-Palooza convention.    It was a two day affair that included a pool party and pageant, and mermaid lovers flocked to the city.

“I don’t have a tail, but I would really, really like  one,” said Sloane Shaffer, a twenty-four year old  attendee.    She regretted her budget didn’t allow for one  now.

    

But if you save enough dough, you can buy a custom-made tail from Mermaids R Us.   Opened a year ago, the store specializes in outfitting tails, tops, and accessories.  Each tail costs $1250 and takes a week to construct.  Owner Sandy Hoaglin created the costumes for Jimmy Buffet’s latest concert tour but receives most of her orders from plain people,  like a farmer in Nebraska.

During last weekend’s event, Enid Montalvo  took three hours to prepare.  The seventeen year old wore blue eye  makeup, rhinestones near her temples, a hair accessory decorated with shells, and a T shirt featuring Ariel from Disney’s Little Mermaid.

“’Mermaids have been my obsession since  I can remember.  …they’re like free-spirited, and fun and they’re beautiful and I’ve always wanted to be one."

Unfortunately, the price proved too steep at this time, and she settled for a few scales glued to her leg.

No worries, the ancient myth lives on, and the world is happier for it.