Wanted: a New Pope

Pope Benedict XVI

Credentials:  Must be old, set in his ways, and abhors change.

 

In fact, the guy must be at least seventy-five, crippled with gout, poor eyesight, and a heart murmur.  Though aging more rapidly than an arthritic dog, he’s not yet feeble—soft in the bones but strong enough to reject any innovations suggested for the

church.

He must also believe that condoms are evil, and when weighing the life of a mother and child, he’ll let the mother go, even if she has six other children praying for her at home.

Catholicism teaches that all women are inferior to men and that the entire sex is not to be trusted.  Even today women in the church still slave in lowly positions—nuns have no chance of climbing the glass ceiling because there isn’t any glass and no ceiling within reach.  There's no opportunity to succeed.

And did you ever notice how nuns walk in pairs?  The reason:  so they can keep an eye on each other.  Too bad the church didn’t order the same for priests.

The shamed CardinalLaw

Cardinal Bernard Law, his eminence from Boston, hid the rapes of many sick priests and allowed innocent children to be continually abused for years.  When the story was revealed, he fled justice and escaped to Rome where he is now sitting pretty in the Vatican.  Last spring he started an aggressive campaign against American nuns.  He ordered them to stop helping the poor and start pushing the Bishops’ agenda—bashing women and gays to divert the attention away from pedophiles.  So the nuns are supposed to hate other innocents?  What a guy.   What a church. 

Oh how I wish for the good old days when popes had dozens of concubines, bastard children, and stole from the people.

At least back then you knew what they were doing.  Now it’s a crap shoot.  Yet we were all surprised to learn last week that the pope's resigning.  For those who are worried, relax.  There’s a broken-down clone waiting in the wings.