God, the news is nonstop.
The cops roasted a cop killer in California yesterday, setting fire to the cabin in which he was hiding. This was followed by the president’s state
of the union address, which played out the day after the pope resigned. And don't forget little Ethan, the five year old released unharmed from an
underground bunker where a madman held him for almost a week.
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| Remains of Richard III |
There was also the story about Richard III. Remember him?
He was the infamous king suffering from a severely curved spine, who was
known for his ruthless pursuit of the crown.
Turns out he’d been lying under a cemented parking lot in Leicester, England
for over 500 years.
Well the lot itself wasn’t old. It used to be a church yard, and the body
must’ve been carried there after the king’s fatal wounds at the Battle of
Boswick in 1485.
Even Shakespeare wrote a play about him, and in the end the king cries, “A horse! A horse!
My kingdom for a horse!”
Well the old bard didn't get it quite right.
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| Reconfigured face of Richard III |
According to witnesses, Richard’s final words were, “Treason! Treason!” which sounds more authentic because Richard was no Shakespeare.
He was a king, and a killer.
He was a king, and a killer.
Most historians
believe that he murdered his two young nephews, who stood before him in line to
the throne. Though Richard was
ultimately crowned, he only ruled for two years and died at 32 because Henry Tudor was also vying
for the job. (Henry became Henry VII, father of Henry VIII
and grandfather to Elizabeth I). The
present Queen Elizabeth traces her roots to the Tudors.
So the Battle of Bosworth was a significant turning
point in English history. Upon spying
his enemy, Richard charged ahead, killing a few of Henry’s men before
contending with John Cheney. Large and
abundantly brave, Cheney blocked the king's way and thrust him into a marsh
where Richard landed with his horse and was trapped in the muck.
According to a Burgundian historian, “Unhorsed and
overpowered, the king was hacked to death by Welsh soldiers.”
This got me to wondering, I mean about parking
lots. We got thousands all over
America, and many are built near battlefields, graveyards, and over
many extinct country churches.
There could be notorious criminals, heroic Indians, pirates,
or even a desperate monarch buried beneath. And lest we forget, isn't Maury Povich still on the air testing DNA of deadbeat
dads?
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| Maury Povich |
I say it’s time the old man ushers out the bums
and starts peering under the cracks. I
realize our country’s never produced a single monarch, but I bet a king during the Middle Ages might’ve murdered a few too many and needed a place to cool off. Escaping to the docks, the ruler sailed across
the ocean. Upon landing in America, though he didn't know where he was, he began shouting so many orders that the crew had had enough. Figuring that they'd never get caught in the new world, they silenced the tyrant forever.
Which brings us to now. There's been a rumor floating around that a long ago monarch is lying under an ancient Winn Dixie.
Heck, I pass of couple of those every day. Call Maury and tell him to bring a couple swabs. Maybe we'll find ourselves a king.
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