Talking Appliances Talk Back

The Smart Refrigerator

“Your butt looks huge since you gained 20 pounds.”

“Thanks,” I answer tartly, feeling my cheeks heating up like someone set a fiery poker under my neck.  I step off the bathroom scale feeling lower than low, knowing that the scale has WiFi and not only retorts, but will tweet the message to all of my friends.

Have you heard about talking appliances?

My LG washing machine sends descriptive text messages.  “R U trying to send me through the wringer?” it asks.   And then there’s the oven that emails recipes and even tells me how to cook.

 

Hey wait.  That’s a good one.  In fact, it’s my dream come true.

Everyone knows I can’t fold anything into a recipe because I have no idea what folding is, and by the way, what’s a reduction? Reduce what?  For what reason?  When I go to a restaurant, I want more, not less.

smart fridge and part of smart washing machine

But life has spun an entire one-eighty because now I got all kinds of smart machines.   I can stand in the middle of my kitchen brimming with confidence since my oven’s passed its SATs.  It talks!  It reads!    

Yet no appliance can top the LG ThinQ smart refrigerator.
   

“I smell awful.  Would you clean my crisper and wipe me down ASAP?”   Who can refuse?  It also makes shopping lists a thing of the past.  A camera inside pans around the shelves and sends pictures to my cell phone.  And if that’s not enough, another camera scans every barcode of every product reminding me when the expiration date is drawing near.   I can’t even keep mustard on my door for its usual five year stay.  

 

But it certainly keeps me true to my diet.  “Put the chocolate down!  That’s enough for today!” 

Damn, can’t even steal a little square—like Big Brother's arrived, and he’s watching me.  

Talking Trivet

   

I finally slam the fridge shut, pull the broccoli casserole from the oven, and set it on a trivet.  But this trivet makes a statement.  Ernesto Arroyo, a PhD candidate at MIT and part of the “counter intelligence" project invented an oven mitt that understands the differences between hot and cold.  Called the Talking Trivet, the mitt senses when the food and the container are at a proper heat.   If a casserole’s been sitting for over a half hour, the trivet tells me that the food needs reheating.  And if something measures 600 degrees, it screams, “Fire!”

 

Wow!  Great timing, I think.  Still I miss the good old days.  

When I used to be home, I felt a sense of peace and comfort, but lately I’m competing with a crowd.  “Like I don’t talk enough?” I ask the ceiling.

“Shut up!” the oven yells.  “You eat like a pig, and the meatloaf’s done.”