Monday, March 28, 2011

Kate Middleton and the Royal Inbreeding

Whether you choose to ignore it or not, a billion people will be watching the royal wedding next month.  Those are a lot of zeroes because it’s a real life romantic show set on the world stage, but this time it’ll be different.
William is marrying a commoner.

Even his mother Diana could trace her roots to Henry VIII.   But not Kate.   She’s a God-given authentic person, not bred to resemble a homo sapien and raised to think like a baboon.

For just a second I thought she might be a tiny bit Jewish.  Her mother’s maiden name is Goldsmith, but the family’s been married in churches for the last five generations, and the original Goldsmith was a coal miner when the name wasn’t associated with any specific religion.

I can live with that.  At least she’s not a Hapsburg.   And you know the Hapsburgs.

They supplied Europe with practically all their royalty for 500 years.   Remember Queen Isabella who sold her jewels to raise money to send Columbus on his voyage?  Her husband Phillip was a Hapsburg, who had tons of nutsy relatives locked up for life.   With all their wealth, the Hapsburgs lost more babies in their palaces than the peasants living in the villages surrounding them.   In order to maintain their power, the dynasty bred themselves out of existence.

Charles II of Spain was the last.  Born in 1661, he died at the age of 39.   The guy was a mess.

He had this protruding lip, typical of many Hapsburgs, and because of this, couldn’t chew his food.  People didn't understand his speech, and he didn't walk until he was eight.  Married twice, he wasn’t able to father a child.   Turns out his genes were as homozygous as those of a sister or brother.

In the recent film, The King’s Speech, the younger brother with the stutter becomes king in 1936 because the older one gives up the throne for woman he loves.  In reality, King Edward VIII never had to give up the throne but was too dumb to realize that.

But royalty's always been known for its incessantly low IQ.  And after three hundred years, the Hapsburg genes are still hanging around. 

The present Queen Elizabeth of England’s still got them, and so does her son Charles—they say his big ears are a Hapsburg trademark—which means William's got Hapsburg genes too.

But forget all that.  Kate Middleton’s come to the rescue.   She arrived holstered with a fresh batch of crispy genes.

Okay, she’s not Jewish.  Nobody’s perfect.  But there’s hope after all.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Cows Got Competition


Cows, the old way
 I just returned from our daughter’s house in Atlanta and tasted my first almond milk.

It was smooth, nutritious, tasty—same Vitamin D and calcium as cow’s—25% and 30% respectively, and lower in calories, only 60 a cup.   (2% cow’s is 130).   Coconut, which she also happen to have, is sweet with a tangy flavor like coconut yogurt, has 80—but almond, made from crushed roasted almonds, water, and vitamins, only comes in at 60.

Sixty?  

Even Dr. Oz would go for that, and it's perfect for those with lactose intolerance searching around for a substitute.

And substitutes--gotta shake them well to get the calcium flowing--are flooding the market.  There's soy, rice, coconut, hazelnuts, and even hemp milk.  Hemp?  Maybe in my spare time I can also weave a shirt.  And if I cook it, I can get high...

As for almonds, Whole Foods produces its own brand while Almond Breeze and Silk Pure Almond battle it out in the dairy case like Coke and Pepsi.
             
Barry Lovelance, fitness trainer and owner of a gym in Allentown, Pa., says he and his wife sometimes have to go to two or three stores to find it.  When they do, they drink as many as six half gallon containers in a week. “We will buy three vanilla and three chocolate at a time, as long as they have it.”

So what am I doing wrong?   How come I never noticed it before?   I amble into a store blinded by habit, searching for the same products I’ve been buying since Lincoln was assassinated.  Yet, there are hundreds of new foods introduced every year, and I'm told lots of them fail because others got the same disease I do, grabbing the usual—unless someone offers me a sample or I visit a home that serving something recently invented.

But hey, it's easy to change.  How many lovely houses have I toured and gushed at the d├ęcor when I should’ve asked, “Can I peek at your pantry, shelves, refrigerator, and leftover servings?   Whaja have last night to eat?  Serve anything fantastic lately?”

It's almost an instinct.

During cavemen times, didn’t the men go out hunting while the women stayed home taking care of the kids and gathering edibles around them?

So the next time I enter the supermarket, I’ll walk a little slower, and when the package says NEW, and fructose and red dye #4 aren't the main ingredients, I'll slip it into my basket.   If it’s good, I made a find and will announce it to the world.  If it’s not, I lost a couple bucks, and you’ll still hear about it, believe me.

Everyone will.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Charlie Sheen and the Ladies


Charlie Sheen
Well the massive Japanese earthquake and tsunami finally edged Charlie Sheen off his daily reality show—for now.   Yes, in some sick way I’m going to miss him, tuning in to see him making his case to the world, wondering if he’s going to go off and make a fool of himself again.
But whether he’s winning with Tiger’s milk and that easy lopsided grin, no one should forget what he’s done in the past.  Or as Anna Holmes noted in The New York Times, “His abuse of women is barely broached.”

Yet looking back, it’s almost nonstop.

Engaged to Kelly Preston in 1990, Sheen accidentally shot her in the arm.   She broke the engagement. Good thinking, girl.

In ’95, the actor admitted dropping over fifty grand on call girls working for Heidi Fleiss, and in the same year, after he married Donna Peele, he was sued by a UCLA student for striking her after she refused to have sex. The case was settled out of court.

In 1997, Brittany Ashland accused him for allegedly smashing her face on the kitchen floor. (see photo)


Brittany Ashland

Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller, his second and third wives also accused him of threatening to kill them, and just recently a sex film actress locked herself in a hotel bathroom while Charlie rampaged throughout the room.

Sounds like a great guy, doesn’t he?

Over the weekend Alec Baldwin offered Sheen some sound advice about his career.

“You can’t win.  You can’t.  Take a nap.  Get a shower.  Call Chuck [Lorre, the show producer].  Go on Letterman and make an apology.  Write a huge check to B’nai Brith.  And then beg for your job back.  Your fans demand it.”                                                        

But how about the women Charlie?  Your “goddesses” might be over the age of eighteen but people who wake up and wonder what they are going to do for the day are either slaves, children, or utter fools.

The fact that you don’t find anything wrong with your previous treatment is scary. You need help, my boy.  Lots of it.  Of course, those who require it most, send everyone else to the psychiatrist couch first.

Instead, I hear you’re taking your show on the road and strutting on stage for the ladies.

Oh but you’re good in front of an audience. You’re only out of control with two in the room.

Charlie Sheen and the Ladies

Well the massive Japanese earthquake and tsunami finally edged Charlie Sheen off his daily reality show—for now.   Yes, in some sick way I’m going to miss him, tuning in to see him making his case to the world, wondering if he’s going to go off and make a fool of himself again.

But whether he’s winning with Tiger’s milk and that easy lopsided grin, no one should forget what he’s done in the past.  Or as Anna Holmes noted in The New York Times, “His abuse of women is barely broached.”

It's an incredible history.  Looking back, it’s almost nonstop.


kelly preston and sheen
 Engaged to Kelly Preston in 1990, Sheen accidentally shot her in the arm. She broke the engagement.  Good thinking, girl.  

In ’95, the actor admitted dropping over $50,000 on call girls working for Heidi Fleiss, and in the same year, after he married Donna Peele, he was sued by a UCLA student for striking her after she refused to have sex.  The case was settled out of court.

In 1997, Brittany Ashland accused him for allegedly smashing her face on the kitchen floor. (see photo)

Brittany Ashland
                                                          
Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller, his second and third wives also accused him of threatening to kill them, and just recently a sex film actress locked herself in a hotel bathroom while Charlie rampaged throughout the room.

Sounds like a great guy, doesn’t he?

Over the weekend Alec Baldwin offered Sheen some sound advice about his career.

“You can’t win. You can’t. Take a nap. Get a shower. Call Chuck [Lorre, the show producer]. Go on Letterman and make an apology.  Write a huge check to B’nai Brith.   And then beg for your job back.  Your fans demand it.”

But how about all the women Charlie? Your “goddesses” might be over the age of eighteen but people who wake up each day and wonder what they are going to do until evening are either slaves, children, or utter fools.

The fact that you don’t find anything wrong with your previous treatment of women is scary. You need help, my boy.  Lots of it.  Of course, those who require it most, send everyone else to the psychiatrist's couch first.

Instead, I hear you’re taking your show on the road and strutting on stage for the ladies.  Yeah, you’re good in front of an audience.  You’re only out of control with two in the room.


p.s.  My heart goes out to the people of Japan and I hope if you can give a little, you will.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

His Bulb Shines Brighter

Nikola Tesla
I have this friend--I’ll call him Howie--because that’s his real name.   He’s a scientist who works with lights and lasers and is a devoted follower of Nikola Tesla.

Nikola Who?

Actually Tesla (1856-1943) was a world renown electrical engineer that many believe was a genius, smarter than Edison, and it was he who invented the light bulb that we use today.

But I thought we used Edison’s?

Never have.  Tesla’s the one that was picked from the beginning.  In fact, the whole world uses Tesla's alternating current because it turned out to be the best choice.

Amazing, but why tell us now?

Because I just got back from Croatia—the old Yugoslavia—and Nikola Tesla was Croatian and the Number One person of his people.  They love him!  There’s Nikola Tesla Blvd., Nikola Tesla Street, statues of him, city squares in his name.   He’s the BIG DEAL in Croatia, and I’m proud to say that when the guide was explaining his importance, I was THE ONLY ONE WHO GOT IT!

There were even a few intellectuals on the trip, but no one knew about Nikola, but ME.

I raised my hand and said, “I know about Nikola Tesla.  I have this friend back home who studies the Tesla coil.” (I always thought it sounded dirty).  The guide was impressed that I knew anything about him, so I'm telling you this not only because Tesla's was great but because Croatia needs all the press it can find.

And of course the Croatians gave us other things too.                                           

They invented the necktie.  (Okay guys, you can either applaud or roll their eyes).  Worn by their soldiers during the European Thirty Year War from 1618-1648, it set fashion standards for hundreds of years to come.
And how about the mechanical pencil?   In 1906, Slavoljub Penkala applied for a patent on his new invention.
Of course there's California Zinfandel.  The Croatians are known for their fabulous wine, and their vineyards helped create a multi-billion dollar industry in OUR country today.     

But let's get back to old Nikola.  Without alternating currents, the world would be a dark dreary place.  His brilliance literally lit our lives, giving his people a hero, me a chance to impress a guide, and Howie his Tesla coil.