Kate Middleton and the Royal Inbreeding

Whether you choose to ignore it or not, a billion people will be watching the royal wedding next month.  Those are a lot of zeroes because it’s a real life romantic show set on the world stage, but this time it’ll be different.
William is marrying a commoner.

Even his mother Diana could trace her roots to Henry VIII.   But not Kate.   She’s a God-given authentic person, not bred to resemble a homo sapien and raised to think like a baboon.

For just a second I thought she might be a tiny bit Jewish.  Her mother’s maiden name is Goldsmith, but the family’s been married in churches for the last five generations, and the original Goldsmith was a coal miner when the name wasn’t associated with any specific religion.

I can live with that.  At least she’s not a Hapsburg.   And you know the Hapsburgs.

They supplied Europe with practically all their royalty for 500 years.   Remember Queen Isabella who sold her jewels to raise money to send Columbus on his voyage?  Her husband Phillip was a Hapsburg, who had tons of nutsy relatives locked up for life.   With all their wealth, the Hapsburgs lost more babies in their palaces than the peasants living in the villages surrounding them.   In order to maintain their power, the dynasty bred themselves out of existence.

Charles II of Spain was the last.  Born in 1661, he died at the age of 39.   The guy was a mess.

He had this protruding lip, typical of many Hapsburgs, and because of this, couldn’t chew his food.  People didn't understand his speech, and he didn't walk until he was eight.  Married twice, he wasn’t able to father a child.   Turns out his genes were as homozygous as those of a sister or brother.

In the recent film, The King’s Speech, the younger brother with the stutter becomes king in 1936 because the older one gives up the throne for woman he loves.  In reality, King Edward VIII never had to give up the throne but was too dumb to realize that.

But royalty's always been known for its incessantly low IQ.  And after three hundred years, the Hapsburg genes are still hanging around. 

The present Queen Elizabeth of England’s still got them, and so does her son Charles—they say his big ears are a Hapsburg trademark—which means William's got Hapsburg genes too.

But forget all that.  Kate Middleton’s come to the rescue.   She arrived holstered with a fresh batch of crispy genes.

Okay, she’s not Jewish.  Nobody’s perfect.  But there’s hope after all.